Breaking Up Is Hard to do.

Breaking Up

What's the right way to break-up? What is involved in breaking up properly? Are there a set of reasonable steps one should follow to cleanly break up?  It should be easy to be single again. It should be straightforward  but why isn't it? It's not simple at all.  In fact it is more complex than trying to find someone, to 'couple' with in the first place.  Getting back to singledom can be a rocky road.

Do you suddenly exclaim, 'Hey honey. I've an idea, let's go back living separate lives & start enjoying our lives again? This relationship we have is the pits!'

Hang on buster! Not so fast. Remember that both of you realized at one point you had feelings for one another and now both of you have to come the conclusion that your relationship is now going nowhere.  The decision to split is usually made by one party over the other.  This makes it really tough decision.  Splitting up is hard, & sticking with your decision is very difficult.  It is usually all for the best though. Making the decision to split will be just the first of many hard obstacles you are going to have to face as per the break up.

The feelings involved in splitting up are complicated.  Even though it might the decision might be one that you made, there's a strong feeling of being rejected. Even worse there is a feeling of getting cast aside, or dumped as it's called. I can't describe the full range of feelings since there are so many you must endure. Going through the (break-up) process when separating you start to understand why women are so complicated. They are all about emotions and feelings.

Breaking apart is almost like you are attending a funeral, in this case you are free to tell your mate  some final parting volleys of criticism or whatever. They are like the soon-to-be deceased.  It feels morbid to have known someone for so long so intimately and now to realize you'll likely never cross paths again. It is like a death of sorts.  There is a defined grieving period after it's over.  This is in order that each of your brains is allowed to comprehend what has happened, and accept it as reality.  There is no longer going to be someone there for you. And you will no longer be there for someone else as well. Nobody to listen to your complaints, & nobody to sit and patiently and assist you with life's everyday disasters.  

What happens to the dream of being together? For now it's over, and possibly it over for ever.  It's the end of the road. The bitter end as they call it. You must make a fresh start. Each party must begin again.  If you want it or not you must start again. 

If you've been involved with a live-in, common law relationship, as I was, then there's a lot less legal matters to deal with.  But that doesn't mean you do not need to consult with a lawyer. That doesn't mean you don't have to deal with all the items purchased when you were a couple. It's never easily divided up as you might guess.  We had a male and female cat who were inseparable from being very young.  How could we separate them?  I was against splitting them up, but my feeling was over-ruled.  This is why things have to be made clear from the outset. The old saying goes that Family Court is a bad choice of places to start to work out a Separation Agreement or Divorce Settlement, is very true.

Just when you think you are over it, once in a while something comes up, and it seems you start to run through the gamut of emotions. Feelings and emotions are very deep, much more so than the logical or thinking parts to our brain. So the hurt is felt much more deeply.

It is harder breaking off from a bad relationship than a good one. Why is this true?  I suppose  because more emotions are tied up (even though they are more negative) when you are embroiled in  a bad relationship.  Do you remember the last time you were really really mad.  How about the last time you were very happy?  Both of those events would be so ingrained into your consciousness, and most of the time those feelings which are negative, are more powerful than the good ones.

It is almost akin to being fired from a job.  You are left with the feeling that those bosses were just pure crap anyways!  But then, after some reflection you begin to wonder if there were things you could have done differently, ending up with a very different outcome?     

In my next installment, I will delve into the matter of how you begin to formulate a Separation Agreement and other steps necessary in breaking up.



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