Relationships
If any readers are considering entering into a new relationship, let me share some particular considerations that, you might wish to (or need to)iron out so that your relationship might work. I believe it's far better to prepare ahead of time, before you find yourselves motoring down a bumpy road leading to 'domestic bliss,' & in order to avoid that big pot hole that we've hit prior to landing in a domestic disaster .
Fist off I've compiled a number questions you may need to consider individually & as a couple:
* Will you be living at one residence together, or will you live separately and pay visits?
* If you own your own property, how much of your space are you willing to contribute, to your 'partner' so that he/she feels at home, & 100% comfortable? According to Wikipedia, the definition of a partnership is:
'A partnership is an arrangement where parties agree to cooperate to advance their mutual interests.'
* Are both parties both as interested as the other one, in having a full-blown serious relationship, possibly leading to matrimony &/or children?
* Is one of you hoping for only companionship and a few nice memories to carry into your senior years?
* How much of the responsibilities & expenses of your partner will you be willing (and able) to take on, and vice versa? I.e. if your girlfriend/boyfriend wants to go on annual vacations to Florida or the Islands, will you be able to afford this lifestyle?
* Should you decide to purchase any large ticket items (i.e. a freezer, fridge, stove, air conditioner, barbeques) who will retain ownership of these items you or your spouse? Does each item need to be tagged and identified as to who owns what?
This becomes important in the event of a split or separation. Unfortunately, today there is a high percentage more than ever where couples choose not to stay together past the one or two year mark. These statistics (unfortunately) speak volumes about the fact that everyone thinking about starting a live-in relationship must plan for the possibility of things just not working out.
*Do either of you wish to, or currently have pets or children & at some point, or do you wish to?
* What might happen if you two partners can not agree on some issue & what if the issue is one of the kind both parties refuse to budge on? Can a third party help you? Can you agree upon who this might be? How do you feel about attending couples counseling or psychologists' offices? Many people refuse to consider airing their differences in front of strangers and in such circumstances.
There are so many considerations that it's very difficult to come to an agreement upon where to begin. Nobody should feel that they are all alone with this feeling of being overwhelmed.
I'll start right @ home, where just about everything begins. You've now decided that the love of your life, your partner is going to live under the same roof as yourself. Happy together, all in one locale. This is considered to be a common law couple (and representing the highest number of couples now in Canada).
Where is this love-nest to be located?
If I'm to live with Jane, and Jane owns her own property, how much might Jane expect that I should reasonably be paying (her) for my accommodations?
In the case of my owning my own home, & then asking my partner (Jane) to live with me, should I now consider offering 'Jane' a percentage of the ownership of the property/ Is this the only way Jane might feel herself an equal partner.
Remember, a relationship is all about being in a 'partnership.' And for a partnership to work, there must be some semblance of sharing of responsibilities and of costs. If this is not put in force, then the relationship will always have one party having an unfair advantage over the other. In every partnership there is something of a power struggle that goes on, but if you're spouse is living on your property, then should you be able to pull the plug at any time you feel unhappy. Can you then ask/demand that your mate then cease and desist, or face the reality of packing up her stuff and leaving.
On the other hand, if you've paid the bulk of the costs associated with a property, let's say $100,000, and then someone meets up with you, whom you wish to cohabitate with, is it then reasonable to assume you should sign over 50% of your main asset? Is your new love interest that trustworthy and of such value? Possibly not.
A lot of this kind of thinking is rooted in money, which should not be such a large consideration, since relationships are supposed to be based on feelings, and not based on the monetary and physical aspects of life. Of course if you, at the start a relationship have very little collateral, and then changes occur where you get that big raise, suddenly any original agreement may need to have occasional amendments made. Otherwise it will become a useless jaded document.
In the instance where Jane moves in with me to my property, and then finds that any extra cash that I earn I wish to invest into bettering my property, and not showing Jane a good time, she may reconsider her decision to move in with me.
I think that it's always a good idea if the couple is to live in an owned property, to consider the possibility of shared ownership.
* Of course the next conundrum for the two of you is whether you will work the details out after you've moved in, or before. If you negotiate after the fact, it's kind of like taking home a new car, and then calling the dealership and trying to negotiate on the price and terms for the vehicle. You may get to kick the tires and take it for a spin around the block, but you don't get to take it home with you for a month or two prior to signing the deal.
There is another reason why these considerations are paramount for me, in my mind to be worked out prior to making any large decisions. This is due to the fact that during the negotiation stage you both might begin working on, you should be getting strong indications on how flexible or inflexible he/she is. Your prospective partner may show in the many days ahead that they were never as flexible a person as you would want to have as a partner . This will show you how easy or difficult it will be to solve complex issues that may come up from time to time. If your partner is completely unwilling to make any concessions, this may be a good time to reconsider any decision to take a first step into a live-in relationship.
In my next installment I shall tackle more relationship issues, ones surrounding the issues around Children, & ways you can circumvent problems that couples have to face.
Email your questions to the relationship Guru, & I'll answer them. Mark questions as Private if you do not wish for your questions to be published, Names will not be published.
howardbuchin@gmail.com
